THE PAIN OF A SIDED LOVE

So here I am not wishing I did things differently when I had the chance to. I had prayed to God then every moment asking Him for a second chance to prove how much I can love you. Loosing you was one of my greatest pain but as they say everything happens for a reason. The fact that you didn't come back to me as badly as I wanted meant that maybe, just maybe, you weren't the one for me....

                                                      HOW IT ALL BEGAN

      Sitting alone in the meeting with my head pounding and wishing for the meeting to come to an end. As much as I wanted to leave, I couldn't because it wasn't right; so there I sat, lonely and sick. It was one of those love feast where all members will come together, exchange nice words and gifts but I wasn't interested, I just wanted to leave and head to my hall. Tears flowed from my eyes at the thought of how lonely and sad I was and yet, nobody glanced my way...... And then, I heard my name.

       Looking at the direction of the voice, I saw you standing with your sister, looking like someone they had slapped a thousand times *smiles*. I thought to myself, as you walked over to where I sat, what you could possible want from me but then again I had the feeling that you picked my name as it was the routine during the love feast. When you came over, you smiled and I thought that smile was what made me quite better. I took time to access the creature that stood before me. You wore one of those your signature outfit that usually makes me laugh now any time I see you on it. You looked friendly but also too friendly for me. We got talking and as expected you gave me the gift you bought to the love feast. When I saw it, I smiled, couldn't say a word but million voices kept talking in my head trying to make meaning out of the gift. It was a bracelet which I had cherished till the day you walked away.

       We met couple of times and I became very attached to you and wouldn't release my grip despite the advice I got from my best friend Sarz. I felt I had found the one for me. I kept seeing you in my sleep, kept imagining various thoughts in my head and "All of me" by John Legend became my song of the moment. I was so into you that I became blind to the fact that I may eventually get hurt as time went on. One thing I failed to take note was whether you felt what I was feeling for you. Well as time went on, I grew to love you so much and assumed that you did also and on that fateful day when you told me what you did, my whole world came crumbling down like a sack of potatoes.

                                                      HOW IT ALL ENDED

       It was a cold and lonely night, I was alone in my room, after I left you couple of minutes ago, the lights in my room were purposely switched off as I wanted to be alone, I couldn't believe what had just happened. Replaying your exact words as you said them made hot tears to flow from my eyes, I was heartbroken; something I never felt I will experience at that young age. That night was the worst night of my life. I was so depressed and shattered. I had lost the happiness and joy I had not quite long. I reasoned to myself and try to figure out what the problem for ending everything was. Where did I go wrong?? I kept asking myself, but the more I kept thinking about it, the more complicated it became. I couldn't accept the fact that everything I felt for you you didn't feel it too and yet you kept leading me on. Why didn't you just tell me you didn't have feelings for me instead of allowing me to go on thinking you did?? I felt bitter and angry but yet I couldn't do anything but cry and cry deep into the night. I couldn't sleep because a heart that is heavy and yet broken cant sleep. I kept wishing you will at least tell me where I went wrong but you kept saying it wasn't my fault. "WHOSE FAULT WAS IT THEN????" I screamed in my room and broke down into another round of tears. When I finally got myself, it was to listen to all the sad songs I could lay my hands on that night. I felt myself drifting and I knew I would never be the same person I was when I still had you unless a Miracle comes my way and into my life. I kept praying from that day onward that you will come back to me and tell me it was just a joke and you wanted to be with me as much as I wanted to be with you but as they say, if wishes were horses, beggars will not only ride on it but will also play polo. When after a month and no sign of you coming back to me, I had a long talk with myself and told myself that I couldn't go on wishing you would come back because you weren't coming back. I wouldn't weep for you anymore but then I needed so much willpower to move on and wear a bold face because there isn't ruling the fact that I will still bump into you somewhere since we were both in the same institution. I needed the strength to move on and ignore you and what you were doing to me. I made up my mind that the only way I will ever fall in love again is when a Miracle happens. After the crash of my "relationship" with you which also happened to be my first, I didn't want to go through the process of getting a rebound because I wouldn't want to hurt another person in the process; so that was how I closed that chapter of getting a rebound guy. Each day, I kept blaming myself for being the cause of everything, I mean, we weren't even up to a year and everything just ended like that. I felt being in love wasn't for me and no one will want to be with me... but then maybe I was just young and couldn't handle a relationship or I didn't understand what a relationship was all about.. I kept praying to God for a Miracle and the ability to move on though it was very very hard considering the fact that you were what they call my "first love" and completely moving on from that kind of heartbreak needed a Miracle. After about 3 months, I had changed. I became a reserve person, smiled when its needed and talked when I was being addressed to. I became more like a sadist but then that was the only way I wouldn't end up getting anybody's attention because no one would want to be associated with a sadist. I fought real hard with the voices in my head and with the tears that threatened to surface.

       Now, sitting on my bed, with a smile on my face, listening to "Drunk in Love" and typing this post, three years and 4 months after that unfortunate incident, I can proudly say, with a radiant smile on my face, that I did it. I had come this far and along the way, everything about my ex and what he brought along with him was gone, I mean, buried and forgotten. Each time I remember what happened to me then, I just burst out laughing and wondering what blinded my eyes to even stay with him for about 7 months and still love him badly for a year and 2 months after he ended everything. Love was indeed blind. I know you reading this may be wondering "Do I still see the guy?" Hell yea!!!!!!!!! I still see his big head in this institution oo*laughs* and we still gist and laugh like casual friends. I'm sure he wouldn't believe, if I hadn't told him, that I was completely over him and he shouldn't bring up the talk of coming back to him because I won't...*laughs*. The nigga still thinks I still have feelings for him and is trying to come back to me..but you know what, let him just mention that topic again and I will show him what the pain of a sided love did to him...*evil grin*

       Guys, my fingers ache..I have to go now but before I go I would love to tell you something, bring your ears closer cos its a secret lol..*whispering* If you don't love a girl, don't allow her to assume you do, let her know if she is being zoned or not and if you do, please and please tell her and don't allow her to assume you don't coz the pain of a sided love can kill.... BYE!!!! *runs out*